Friday, January 22, 2010

Why can't parents let their adult children go?

part 1

We get a lesson often on Wednesday night from our leader at the support group who says parents have to let their mentally ill adult child go, to let him find his own way with his illness. We must give him the freedom to make his own decisions about his life and eventually gain understanding of his illness. That is the message.

Don't try to change your son's counselor at the clinic because he's not getting along. Don't listen to his tales of woe and boredom. Don't loan him the money and don't bail him out (just hypotheticals, the last didn't come up at the meeting)

We are told we can't fix what he is going through. He will have to go it alone, and if he wont take medicine or see a doctor or act in the ways we expect at home or out in public, we must let him suffer. That is, he will find that he is sicker and sadder without following the routes to treatment someone suggests for him. He will lose the support of friends and family, become more isolated, more miserable, full of anger and frustration. We see it happening with our young people and we want to do something to help. It's natural and it's what parents do. But is it right to keep on worrying, to feel we, too, share the sickness in the family and are somewhat blameful?

Absolutely not, the counselor tells us. We should have gotten over the blame game by now, even newcomers to the support group who haven't heard all the explanations. Families can't let themselves feel guilt over a child's mental illness—it's a no-fault brain disease with links both to heredity and one's environment. We understand that. But when we hear it we bite our tongues. We are usually the closest to the child, who seems still a child, now an adult on his or her own, shrouded in the veils of an illness like schizophrenia or bipolar disorder or deep depression. We know by intuition how painful this must be and how hard they must struggle to free themselves, to face the uncertainties of adult life with such a handicap. We feel an intense urge to steer the young person out of it.

It's a fine line to cross. On the one hand we don't want to abet their bad behavior, their sleeping all day or alternatively, staying out all night. We can't make them change no matter how much we want it to happen. Even the doctors know you can't make them take medicine they wont take. The question is: Do we ever abandon our children? What would we do if our child was diabetic or epileptic or had a severe learning disorder, for example?

Our counselor is persuasive. He wants us to take an enlightened position to learn how to communicate, how to act. To continue to be a responsive and responsible parent and try to hold the family together when it seems impossible to do so. But he is clear—we cannot let this person bamboozle us, tear the fabric of the family apart, ruin the calm and turn it into desperation with his rants and outrageous behavior. Some parents won't stand up to their grown children, they tell us that. And we see how they live. They feed and clothe the young man or woman into their thirties,forties and beyond, provide a roof over their heads, do their laundry, take their guff and hand them money for cigarettes. We are not without fault.

We're not being asked to stay out of the picture. He's saying we have to learn what the person is feeling when a sickness like schizophrenia takes over and we certainly need to be there for that person. But not move too far ahead. These are treatable illnesses, the ill person has to want to come in for care. We can't make them do this. But we can offer support, love and compassion. So long as we do not let our personal, motherly and fatherly feelings dominate.

We still have family roles to think about, to hold our families together in times of stress like this. It can strike hard with our loved one's brothers and sisters who feel guilt or shame over it. Our own health and well being matter, too. Mom and dad may need some counseling in their own right or as a pair, to understand what is happening and to avoid a breakup.

If you both can't confront the illness in the same way it can destroy much of the good feelings that keep a marriage intact, the counselor points out. With all the anger and frustration we must endure, is it any wonder the counselor has to caution us about our own coming to desperation? We need patience, not hyper-vigilance. Time heals. Let's see how things work out, he says. I see your son's doing better now, he's definitely doing better, so let's let things ride out for now.

It's hard to be that patient, given our own need to naturally and intuitively do our utmost to help our child. That's because we care, we are almost the only ones who care in a world that is harsh and unfeeling toward people as vulnerable as they are. (Roy Neville)

1 comment:

  1. Thank You Roy.

    I will share from the perspective of one with the mental disorder and how my family and community supports met my needs.

    I became "acutely" ill with Mania. Lost my house, job most everything I owned, was hospitalized for 2 months and came out homeless. I was fortunate to get into a crisis housing program.

    During the weeks and months following hospitalization my family from out of town stayed in touch with me and visted when they could.

    My dad insisted that I come home, he insisted I stay with him and made arrangements for treatment in my home town. He would take care of me.

    Now keep in mind I am a 40 year old woman who has worked all her life, had a house etc. I just kept saying to myself what am I going to do? I have no money to pay for treatment maybe I should take him up on it. I was a strong willed woman at one time but at this point in my life I lost that self confidence.

    I has totaly ignorant of the Public Assistance program but the case manager at the crisis house did outstanding work to get me PA, medicaid and food stamps. After that assistance they encouraged me to take responsibility for my own recovery program and I continued to live in the crisis house so I wasn't homeless and that fear was relieved which let me attend to getting well.

    Should I stay or move in with dad he would take care of me? He loved me so he would do anything to help me.

    Then my aunt who had just retired from being a Psychiatric Registered Nurse for 40 years came to visit me. After meeting with me her statement to my dad was "John, Celeste has to do this herself. Be there with support but let her do the work. She has to own it. She will survive."

    That was the best suggestion ever given to someone. Dad realized what she was trying to say.

    I realize there are varying degrees of impairment from our Mental disorders. The first step should always be give support but remember this is a person who needs to own their life as best they can. As you find that there are needs not being met due to the impairment then step in but minimize as best as you can. This minimization does not mean you don't care. It is giving your loved one ultimate respect.

    So Roy, I am pleased to read your blog today and your sharing the importance of respect and independence. I also appreciate the info you offered in regards to holding the family together during the support process for the ill family member. The strain as you well know will be impacting. I think it impairative that the family members get support too. Your NAMI group helps in the process and the family should as you mentioned entertain counceling for themsleves in learning how to be the best they can for their loved one while taking good care and attending to their health and needs also.

    Dad gave support. For near a year as I moved through the various steps in the housing program he called long distance at 9pm every night to let me know he cared and asked me how my day went. God bless him for understanding

    Celeste Trotz

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